Hmm……

Why do I continue to let others control my life?

You know…..

There is something about life. How amazing and terrible it can be at the same.

Friday I had a particularly terrible day and all the support I didn’t think I had just surrounded me. It was amazing.

Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

Untitled

Untitled

Dearly Departed …..

Thank you for being here.

You ever realize you are having a series of small breakdowns because if you had one big one you wouldn’t live through it?

Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

Reminiscence

It’s Xmas day and I am alone. The kids are with Andy and it’s just me.  While I sit here watching Doctor Who (anxiously awaiting the Xmas special) I have been thinking about this past year. Quite frankly, it sucked….big time suck! I thought 2017 was going to be a good year for myself, husband and marriage. But we were on two different planets. We wanted completely different things and in the end he won. He got what he wanted and nine months later he is still getting what he wants.

This time in 2015 I was struggling with an affair Andy had. I was a wreck and he didn’t seem to care at all. I was hopeful that we could work through it, but Andy didn’t want to and didn’t think he should tell me.

2016 started out pretty bad. I wanted to start over and move on but when your spouse doesn’t want to (and doesn’t tell you) then the fight is useless. I was fighting and he didn’t want to or think I should even know he didn’t care. I was miserable so I turned to wine. Remember I had bariatric surgery so after three glasses of wine or two vodka cranberries I was wasted. I was drinking every night. I wasn’t drunk every night but I was drinking. It was ridiculous and I hated drinking and I hated myself. But, my husband was enabling me and not doing anything to help me. Then I would get gas-lighted to the point of me screaming and being hateful and then the finger was pointed at me. I was the crazy one. He never did anything wrong. It was all me. Live with that kind of gas-lighting your whole relationship and you will think everything is your fault. December 26 Andy told me he wanted a divorce and then went out with his friends. No talking about it, no nothing.

2017 started with me hopelessly depressed. I didn’t (and still don’t) want a divorce. In February I was drunk one night and we were fighting. So instead of dealing with his problem Andy called the police and had me committed to Marshal Pickens. While I was in the hospital he told me (in front of the kids) when I got out I wasn’t allowed to come home. So I was in MIP and just been kicked out of my house. When I was released I went home (even though I had been kicked out) and started packing. I couldn’t be in a house with a man who didn’t give a shit about me.

The rest is history, right? I have been living (if you can call it that) on my own for nine months. My kids are what keep me going. Their faces remind me that no matter how I feel they need a mom. They need to see they have a mom that can pull herself by her bootstraps and keep moving. My daughter and son need to see what a strong woman looks like. They need to see that even though life is hard there is always a way to make it through. Even when you think you are alone, you really aren’t. You find out who loves you and who doesn’t.

I am still struggling with this divorce and still don’t want it. I am mourning the loss of my 15 year relationship. I am mourning the man I still love. I am mourning the loss of my best friend. I am mourning the loss of the person I trusted with my life. I am mourning the loss of the life I knew.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I have accepted that I deserve all the time it takes. Time is the only thing I have right now.

Mixed bag…

This is going to be a mixed bag of information.

First, suicidal ideations. This one hits home for me in MANY, MANY ways. I have a long history of this. The first time I felt like this I was 11. The first time my daughter felt like this she was 10. The first time my son felt like this he was 12. Do you see the pattern? I see it with eyes wide open. I am glad other people are opening their eyes to this and trying to “help”but if you have never been felt this way don’t say I am glad you are alive. Saying that doesn’t help a single damn person! Try SHOWING someone you care even when they push you away, even when they say leave me alone, even when they say they are fine. Helping people isn’t something that comes easy. It’s hard as fuck! But if you care enough for that person you will be there even when it’s hard for you. Just imagine how hard it is for the other person.

Second, my life thus far. When Andy and I separated in March I was obviously devastated. I spend days and nights crying uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I could not do this alone. I am not strong enough for this. I hadn’t had a job in two years and suddenly I HAD to have one. I didn’t think I was going to find one. I feel all these feeling were totally valid.

Now it’s September, and I am still totally devastated. But I am not crying as much. I am finding little things that make me happy. I am actually feeling good about myself, and I have TWO jobs that I love.

I am totally doing this! But I am still not alone. The support I have gotten from friends and family has been completely overwhelming. My life took a complete one-eighty and now I am thinking it has been for the best.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy that my 15 year relationship is over, it sucks for all of us. But I think we are all coping pretty well and I could not be more proud.

“I went from zero, to my own hero.”

Life and stuff

My therapist is giving me all kinds of advice, like she should. The latest advice is that I should date. I feel weird about this. I am not really interested in dating right now to be honest. I want to find my lost self. I want to figure out who I am. I want to work on me and not worry about someone else’s drama. So I told her no.

My kids are rock stars by the way. They are navigating the 50/50 custody like champs. In the beginning it was very hard on them. Every week someone was crying and/or slamming a door. Now it’s just easy for them. On Sunday everything is smooth. Which I am glad. Seeing my kiddos hurt in any way just kills me.

So, school starts back tomorrow. I officially have two middle schoolers. Not ready at all!!

This is my story….

​I post A LOT about mental illness on Facebook. There is a reason. Creating awareness is very important  me. 

When I got my first diagnosis I was about 12, I was ashamed and thought there was something wrong with me. I refused to take my meds and finally tried to commit suicide at age 15. I was hospitalized at Marshal Pickens for 10 days and went home with an antidepressant that I stopped taking. 

When I was 17 I was back in the hospital for severe depression, self harm, and suicidal idealations. This time the psychiatrist did a full mental and physical evaluation. I was diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I started taking meds again. My psychiatrist there had me on 10 different meds. I don’t remember some portions of my life because I was so doped up. I took the meds until I had an allergic reaction and almost died. Then I stopped taking meds again. 

I was out of control and acting out with drugs and alcohol to numb my feelings. I started feeling suicidal again at 22 and put myself in the hospital. I came home with 2 antidepressants and started feeling better; Like a human being. I did not stop taking them until I got pregnant with my son. I stopped all meds again until after my daughter born. My primary care physician (PCP) was prescribing meds until I started feeling suicidal again. 

He put in a referral to a psychiatrist (that I still see). Years of seeing her has helped me to realize I should not be ashamed. There is nothing wrong with me; this is just how I am wired. I was born this way and I cannot change that. I accept that. 

That is how stigma ends in this world. By accepting mental illness for what it is and accepting yourself just the way you are.