Questions and answers

This past week I was in Ohio seeing one of my best friends. We have known each other since 1996. He is lovely and it was incredible to spend time with him.

But while I was there I got a perspective on my current situation and asked and answered a lot of questions I have been asking myself.

Am I ever going to be ok? Yes, eventually I will be ok. Right now I am not, but I need to be patient with myself. 

Am I going to have bad days? Absolutely! If I have a bad day and wish I were dead that is ok. That is what depression does to me.

What am I going to do? I am going to do whatever needs to be done during this time. I really need to take this time and find myself again.

Do I love Andy? Yes I do and I always will. This man is one of my best friends and the father of my children. We were together for 15 years. 

Will I ever get through this? Yes, I will. This is another time I really need to be patient with myself and take it one day at a time. I need to remember that grieving is a process that takes time, and I have plenty of time. Just be patient and remember I do have people in my life that love me and are there for me.

Am I always going to be pitiful? No, absolutely not. But I have the right to feel this way and talk about it any time I want or need to. 

Are my kids going to be ok? Yes they will, and they need time too. Andy and I are showing them that not everything is perfect and lasts forever. We are showing them a healthy relationship. 

Am I always going to miss Andy? Probably so, it just won’t be so painful as time goes on. Time does eventually heal all wounds. 

I also want to thank all of my friends and family for your everlasting love and support through this. I love all of you and couldn’t do it without y’all.

Just me being pitiful……what else is new?

It’s a different day with the same old shit. I keep moving between sadness and anger about my failed relationship. I know the stages of grief take time but this just really sucks. I can’t move on without closure and I am not getting any. Andy won’t talk to me about anything and when I do finally get something out of him he is just mean. He tells me how terrible I am and how he hasn’t loved me for a long time. I go back and forth in believing anything he says. He also did some pretty terrible things in our relationship but will not accept any ownership. At least I own all the fucked up things I did. I just can’t understand why right now. My mind is just going in circles.

He promised me a lot of things that he is slowly going back on. I am just in shock. Am I so terrible that I deserve to be treated so badly? I know I have done some pretty shitty things and that I am pretty terrible, but I didn’t think I was that terrible. I didn’t think I was so terrible that my life for 15 years would be snatched away from me.

Everything has been taken away from me and I hate it. I hate everything! My house, my job, my car, my life……everything. Everyday I think of something to live for…..I only have two things……my children, and some days that is not enough. I still have that little voice that says, “they would be better off without you.”

I am tired of crying…….I am tired of missing and loving someone who hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I HATE THIS AND JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER! I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t keep this up and I really don’t want to.

Please don’t do that pity thing because I don’t want it. Keep that to yourself.

Sail

This is how I show my love

I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby

This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my AD

Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the

Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my ADD
Blame it

La la la la la, la la la la la ooh
La la la la la, la la la la la ooh

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Sail with me into the dark
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me sail with me (sail)

Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me sail with me (sail)

Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me sail with me (sail)

Ugh…

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary…..when I got home from work I had a glass of wine and went to bed. What else could I do? Going to bed is better than staying up all night crying. 

I am so stressed right now. My eyebrows are falling out. I need new tires for my car and need to pay for braces. I have no clue how I am going to do either. I thought about a go fund me, but I don’t anyone else with money to share.

Ugh!!!! Just ugh!!!!

Saturday night special?

It’s Saturday night and I am watching Doctor Who.

This is not about DW. This is about me.

Please stop asking me if I am ok.

Because I am not ok.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of putting on a happy face.

I am not happy, I am not fine, I am not ok!

I hate this!

I hate my life!

I miss my husband and family.

So please stop asking me how I am and how everything is going. Everything is shitty and I am not ok.

I know that I did something to cause this and I am getting what I deserve.

Yuck

As the title suggests today has sucked. I took yesterday and today off because Andy was out of town for work. 

Last night I took the kids over to his house so when he got home they would be there. He got home and it made me so sad. I didn’t get a hello or hug and kiss. I didn’t expect it, but in the back of my mind I thought it might happen. I just can’t let go of him and our relationship. I love him and I just want to be with him. I can’t make him want me or be with me. 


He deserves to be happy but I do too. I am not happy. I don’t want this. I hate the place I live and I hate my life like this. 

So today I have been in my pajamas, sleeping, and crying. I just can’t take this and I hate it! I hate everything right now and I just want this to be over. Can it just please be over??

Let it be

Yesterday I wrote a blog post and for some reason wordpress could not save or publish it, so here it is again.

Yesterday started out great. Every song on the radio was a great song, I had a good session with my kiddo, and my new fibromyalgia meds is working great. Then I heard Let it be on the radio. It just hit me the wrong way and I just cried all the way home which is ok. I have to feel it then move on. The moving on part is the hardest part.

I am one of those people that forgive but never forget, which is not a healthy way to live (I don’t mean I want to forget something ever happened). When I can’t forget and let go that damages my friendships. I try to just be there in that moment but my mind does me dirty. “Hey Hope, remember when so-and-so did blah, blah, blah?” Then I start emotional splitting. That is when you either love or hate someone for no reason with no grey area. I hate that so much.

So that was my post for yesterday and maybe I will write again later tonight.