Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

Life and stuff…..

yeah, life………..

so much has happened……..

so much going on…….

I have had 3 people, that’s right, 3 people try to catfish me! I have been on actual dates with several people. I haven’t been on a real date in so long I can’t remember when it was. Is that sad? I think it is.

I have a boyfriend now. Which sounds and feels very weird to me. Like, a 16 year old girl has a boyfriend……I am 39. Do 39 year old women have boyfriends? It feels so weird as well. It is actually terrifying. Looks don’t matter to me. I like to see people for who they are not what they look like. But, this man is gorgeous. I look at pictures and think, this is got to be a trick, this can’t be real, I am pretty enough for this guy, he must want something, this is an A+ catfish.

All my negative thoughts are very hard to silence right now………

Reminiscence

It’s Xmas day and I am alone. The kids are with Andy and it’s just me.  While I sit here watching Doctor Who (anxiously awaiting the Xmas special) I have been thinking about this past year. Quite frankly, it sucked….big time suck! I thought 2017 was going to be a good year for myself, husband and marriage. But we were on two different planets. We wanted completely different things and in the end he won. He got what he wanted and nine months later he is still getting what he wants.

This time in 2015 I was struggling with an affair Andy had. I was a wreck and he didn’t seem to care at all. I was hopeful that we could work through it, but Andy didn’t want to and didn’t think he should tell me.

2016 started out pretty bad. I wanted to start over and move on but when your spouse doesn’t want to (and doesn’t tell you) then the fight is useless. I was fighting and he didn’t want to or think I should even know he didn’t care. I was miserable so I turned to wine. Remember I had bariatric surgery so after three glasses of wine or two vodka cranberries I was wasted. I was drinking every night. I wasn’t drunk every night but I was drinking. It was ridiculous and I hated drinking and I hated myself. But, my husband was enabling me and not doing anything to help me. Then I would get gas-lighted to the point of me screaming and being hateful and then the finger was pointed at me. I was the crazy one. He never did anything wrong. It was all me. Live with that kind of gas-lighting your whole relationship and you will think everything is your fault. December 26 Andy told me he wanted a divorce and then went out with his friends. No talking about it, no nothing.

2017 started with me hopelessly depressed. I didn’t (and still don’t) want a divorce. In February I was drunk one night and we were fighting. So instead of dealing with his problem Andy called the police and had me committed to Marshal Pickens. While I was in the hospital he told me (in front of the kids) when I got out I wasn’t allowed to come home. So I was in MIP and just been kicked out of my house. When I was released I went home (even though I had been kicked out) and started packing. I couldn’t be in a house with a man who didn’t give a shit about me.

The rest is history, right? I have been living (if you can call it that) on my own for nine months. My kids are what keep me going. Their faces remind me that no matter how I feel they need a mom. They need to see they have a mom that can pull herself by her bootstraps and keep moving. My daughter and son need to see what a strong woman looks like. They need to see that even though life is hard there is always a way to make it through. Even when you think you are alone, you really aren’t. You find out who loves you and who doesn’t.

I am still struggling with this divorce and still don’t want it. I am mourning the loss of my 15 year relationship. I am mourning the man I still love. I am mourning the loss of my best friend. I am mourning the loss of the person I trusted with my life. I am mourning the loss of the life I knew.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I have accepted that I deserve all the time it takes. Time is the only thing I have right now.

Mixed bag…

This is going to be a mixed bag of information.

First, suicidal ideations. This one hits home for me in MANY, MANY ways. I have a long history of this. The first time I felt like this I was 11. The first time my daughter felt like this she was 10. The first time my son felt like this he was 12. Do you see the pattern? I see it with eyes wide open. I am glad other people are opening their eyes to this and trying to “help”but if you have never been felt this way don’t say I am glad you are alive. Saying that doesn’t help a single damn person! Try SHOWING someone you care even when they push you away, even when they say leave me alone, even when they say they are fine. Helping people isn’t something that comes easy. It’s hard as fuck! But if you care enough for that person you will be there even when it’s hard for you. Just imagine how hard it is for the other person.

Second, my life thus far. When Andy and I separated in March I was obviously devastated. I spend days and nights crying uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I could not do this alone. I am not strong enough for this. I hadn’t had a job in two years and suddenly I HAD to have one. I didn’t think I was going to find one. I feel all these feeling were totally valid.

Now it’s September, and I am still totally devastated. But I am not crying as much. I am finding little things that make me happy. I am actually feeling good about myself, and I have TWO jobs that I love.

I am totally doing this! But I am still not alone. The support I have gotten from friends and family has been completely overwhelming. My life took a complete one-eighty and now I am thinking it has been for the best.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy that my 15 year relationship is over, it sucks for all of us. But I think we are all coping pretty well and I could not be more proud.

“I went from zero, to my own hero.”

Life and stuff

My therapist is giving me all kinds of advice, like she should. The latest advice is that I should date. I feel weird about this. I am not really interested in dating right now to be honest. I want to find my lost self. I want to figure out who I am. I want to work on me and not worry about someone else’s drama. So I told her no.

My kids are rock stars by the way. They are navigating the 50/50 custody like champs. In the beginning it was very hard on them. Every week someone was crying and/or slamming a door. Now it’s just easy for them. On Sunday everything is smooth. Which I am glad. Seeing my kiddos hurt in any way just kills me.

So, school starts back tomorrow. I officially have two middle schoolers. Not ready at all!!

Writing

So, my whole life I have always enjoyed writing (even though my spelling and grammar are atrocious). I have always had a journal and still have most of them. In the past 10 years or so I got to thinking about writing a book. I have no idea what it would be about though. Then my insecurities creep in and say, “You don’t even though what your online journal is about, idiot.” Which is true…..I have no idea. I always feel like I am just whining about all the things everyone else is going through and nobody wants to read more.

So then I decided I don’t care!!

I have been making goals for myself since I moved in March. One of those goals was to write anyway. To get it out even if no one ever reads this. Would I love to write this blog and make money? Of course i would but I don’t think that is going to happen. I will write anyway and not give a single fuck!

A slew of things….WOW

A slew of things have been happening in last several weeks. It is all very stressful for everyone in the house.

I had a breast reduction (one of the greatest things I have ever done). My recovery is happening at a normal rate but I am just not use to the pain so I whine everyday about being sore. I also think I have the right to whine and or complain if I want to. So I do and my family just ignores me. That is ok with me.

Andy and I bought a new car which has made life here a lot easier. You would think having one car would not be a big deal since Andy works from home, but coordinating events for 4 people with one vehicle is annoying and I am sure my parents were tired of us borrowing their car all the time.

My children are having an emotional, anxiety ridden reaction to school. It makes me so sad that they are having such a hard time. I am trying my best to help them through this but I can only do so much. They have to want to help themselves. Believe me I know this from personal experience.

As usual I am exactly the same…..a damn mess.

 

This is scary for me……

I was thinking about why I write this. Why do I put all these thoughts into words and let other people see it and let people know what I am thinking and feeling. Well I could not come up with an answer I like. My only observation was sometimes I just need to say things out loud…..to see it, feel it, hear it………I feel like people listen but don’t really hear me.

For several weeks my mind has been racing. I am thinking about everything that has ever happened to me…..in my entire life (no I don’t usually think about all the things at once). Usually just days, months,years at a time. It is making me angry as fuck. My mind won’t stop. I go for days without sleeping. I hate this! I don’t know how to stop it. It would be easy if I could suppress my true self from everything and everyone. So I could be more lovable, easier to deal with, easier to be around, easier to handle, and especially not relationship kryptonite.

I am beginning to think the bipolar II diagnosis is an add on to BPD. I am beginning to think the BPD diagnosis in 1998 was infact correct. My psychiatrist says no, but she has never really seen me.

I would never wish my mind on anyone. It is fucked. I didn’t choose this and I don’t want this. I try very hard to make myself easy for other for other people. But, it seems I am not trying hard enough. No matter what, it’s not enough.

UGH!!!!

I cannot understand why any person (even for a minute) would think I want to be, act, feel anything like this. Why any person would think I use it as a crutch for bad behavior. To be perfectly honest, if I had not had children I would have committed suicide. Yep, that’s right.When I was growing up I never thought I would make it to 25. But here I am, about to be 36.

I have been a horrible, horrendous, dreadful, terrifying, cruel, obnoxious, loathsome, scary person my whole life and I hate myself……….

I try very hard to not be who I really am. When I am my true self the people I thought would love me anyway…….actually don’t. I find out I am not a lovable person at all. I scare people so they hide, so they don’t have to be around me, so I can just be alone with myself.

I can’t title very well…

I guess the title doesn’t matter really……so I have decided to give them stupid names that don’t make sense.

My hands and hips hurt. My rheumotologist took blood to test for a lot of things. The tests came back negative. This is good because one of the things he tested for was hepatitis C. He also said there was evidence autoimmune or inflammatory stuff. So that means the severe pain I experience in my joints is fibromyalgia and maybe osteoarthritis. So that REALLY SUCKS! My grip on things is awful, I can’t hold or open anything, and my joints are swollen and painful. So I feel pretty much hopeless at this point.I am tired of being tired and in pain.

At this time I would like to thank my parents for the genes they passed on to me.

Let’s move on………….

Let me start this segment with a flashback…….

It’s June 1998, I am in a mental health residential treatment facility. My doctor was kind of a jerk but that doesn’t really matter. Just my opinion of him. When I was in private therapy with the therapist and with the doctor they were always writing things down. Like you would expect. About 4 days in I was called into a meeting with the therapist and the doctor. In this meeting I was asked very specific questions about my behavior. After about 6 questions they stopped, looked at each other, nodded their heads, looked at me and said, “You have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).” So then the medications and the dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) started. I was discharged after 10 days if I agreed to enroll in the outpatient program. Of course I agreed. I wanted to go home. I was in outpatient almost 3 years.

Flash forward to yesterday…..

My current psychiatrist (who I have been seeing for 9 years) says to me, “I have been trying to rule out several different diagnosis by trying different medications to see how you react and feel on them.” I appreciate that so I was not angry or upset. Misdiagnosis is a very common thing. So then she continues, “I am adding Bipolar II to your diagnosis of GAD, OCD, and Major Depression.”

So now I am thinking…..how could I have gone since 1998 with the wrong mental health diagnosis? Mental health is a big deal for everyone. Even if you don’t have a regular thing happening that affects your life when it does happen you do what you do to feel better. Like I said misdiagnosis happens………..but for 18 YEARS!!?

So now I just feel like…….DAMN, WHAT THE HELL, HOW??……..