You know…..

There is something about life. How amazing and terrible it can be at the same.

Friday I had a particularly terrible day and all the support I didn’t think I had just surrounded me. It was amazing.

Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

Untitled

Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

Mixed bag…

This is going to be a mixed bag of information.

First, suicidal ideations. This one hits home for me in MANY, MANY ways. I have a long history of this. The first time I felt like this I was 11. The first time my daughter felt like this she was 10. The first time my son felt like this he was 12. Do you see the pattern? I see it with eyes wide open. I am glad other people are opening their eyes to this and trying to “help”but if you have never been felt this way don’t say I am glad you are alive. Saying that doesn’t help a single damn person! Try SHOWING someone you care even when they push you away, even when they say leave me alone, even when they say they are fine. Helping people isn’t something that comes easy. It’s hard as fuck! But if you care enough for that person you will be there even when it’s hard for you. Just imagine how hard it is for the other person.

Second, my life thus far. When Andy and I separated in March I was obviously devastated. I spend days and nights crying uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I could not do this alone. I am not strong enough for this. I hadn’t had a job in two years and suddenly I HAD to have one. I didn’t think I was going to find one. I feel all these feeling were totally valid.

Now it’s September, and I am still totally devastated. But I am not crying as much. I am finding little things that make me happy. I am actually feeling good about myself, and I have TWO jobs that I love.

I am totally doing this! But I am still not alone. The support I have gotten from friends and family has been completely overwhelming. My life took a complete one-eighty and now I am thinking it has been for the best.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy that my 15 year relationship is over, it sucks for all of us. But I think we are all coping pretty well and I could not be more proud.

“I went from zero, to my own hero.”

Thinking is dangerous

Thinking is dangerous for me because when I think about things it brings upon self-doubt. And, this doubt encompasses all that I do. Am I good enough at my job, at home, with my kids, painting, drawing, jewelry making……everything!!!! This sucks because then I tend to stop doing all the things I like doing. So last night we were in Target and Ash was having a very time. He was crying, running away, screaming…..Andy had to carry him out of the store. It was bad…….also the staring and Olivia standing there covering her ears. Then I start going over everything in my mind that I said to him and doubting it all! Why did you say this, you should have said that. I just hate what doubt can do to me!

Then after the situation at Target, I get home. Every single things I have ever done in my life is wrong and I am wrong and that is it! Nothing will ever change my mind! Damn you anxiety and self-doubt……damn you……..

Another snow day

Yes, it snowed a half of an inch so everything here is closed down. One of the things about the south you have to get use to. I am home from work today and to be honest I am a little glad. I am having trouble being around someone I work with. All the negativity is getting to me. I just can’t take it anymore. So, my husband and I are working on a solution. I will be happier and less a stressed and in return, so will he.

My daughter had my husband hang a mailbox on her bedroom door. She loves getting mail, but now I am obligated to write her a letter everyday. I absolutely love it! I hopes she saves them and looks back on them when she is older. I have all my old journals from age 7 through now and on the occasion I like to read them to see what I was anxious about back then.

Sick Day

Today I am home sick. I hate being sick! I become this whiny, bitchy, ball of snot. Currently I am watching a show on Netflix. I am shouting at the people on the show because they are looking at houses. They just looked at a house that was completely renovated, and gorgeous, and said the house was cold.PAINT people…..PAINT! I just can’t take it. Watching shows like this makes me want to renovate my house even more. I feel like if I have to live in a house I didn’t even want to buy, shouldn’t the inside look the way I want it? MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! That is what it takes.

I am also being attacked by two little kittens. They are so cute though, I can’t be mad.