Right now.

I’m so tired I can’t sleep.

Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

Untitled

Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

Mixed bag…

This is going to be a mixed bag of information.

First, suicidal ideations. This one hits home for me in MANY, MANY ways. I have a long history of this. The first time I felt like this I was 11. The first time my daughter felt like this she was 10. The first time my son felt like this he was 12. Do you see the pattern? I see it with eyes wide open. I am glad other people are opening their eyes to this and trying to “help”but if you have never been felt this way don’t say I am glad you are alive. Saying that doesn’t help a single damn person! Try SHOWING someone you care even when they push you away, even when they say leave me alone, even when they say they are fine. Helping people isn’t something that comes easy. It’s hard as fuck! But if you care enough for that person you will be there even when it’s hard for you. Just imagine how hard it is for the other person.

Second, my life thus far. When Andy and I separated in March I was obviously devastated. I spend days and nights crying uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I could not do this alone. I am not strong enough for this. I hadn’t had a job in two years and suddenly I HAD to have one. I didn’t think I was going to find one. I feel all these feeling were totally valid.

Now it’s September, and I am still totally devastated. But I am not crying as much. I am finding little things that make me happy. I am actually feeling good about myself, and I have TWO jobs that I love.

I am totally doing this! But I am still not alone. The support I have gotten from friends and family has been completely overwhelming. My life took a complete one-eighty and now I am thinking it has been for the best.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy that my 15 year relationship is over, it sucks for all of us. But I think we are all coping pretty well and I could not be more proud.

“I went from zero, to my own hero.”

Maintenance mode

This July will be the 2 year anniversary of my VSG. I am currently in what is called maintenance mode. This means all the weight has been lost and now I just have to keep it off. Which I have found to be……well……not a challenge but not easy by any means. I have to constantly remind myself to eat every 3 hours, and when I do eat it has to be mostly protein. If I eat too many carbs and not enough protein I get nauseated. If I eat only protein and no carbs then I get nauseated. So there is delicate balance I have to find. By the way, when I say carbs I mean fruit and veggies. Not a lot of bread and pasta happening for me anymore. Was the surgery worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!! I would not change a thing. Loosing weight did not magically cure me from my mental illness like so many others think it will, but it has made me a whole lot healthier. I can actually play and run with my kids which never happened before. It is nice to sit on something and not fear it might break and sit in a chair and actually fit in it. So yeah………