Hmm……

Why do I continue to let others control my life?

You know…..

There is something about life. How amazing and terrible it can be at the same.

Friday I had a particularly terrible day and all the support I didn’t think I had just surrounded me. It was amazing.

Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

Untitled

Untitled

Dearly Departed …..

Thank you for being here.

You ever realize you are having a series of small breakdowns because if you had one big one you wouldn’t live through it?

Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

The Beach

Last week I took a family vacation with my best friend, all our kids, and their friends. There was eight of us and it was amazing! We went to the pool and the beach everyday. We did night walks, boardwalk, looking for shells, a beach run in the rain, ice cream, and pizza one night. Everyone was happy and had a great time.

We cooked dinner every night (except the first night) and ate together as a family. The best part was watching the kids help cook. When they helped cook they tried food I never thought my kids would eat.

Ash and I went parasailing and that was incredible! We were 300 feet in the air. All you could hear was the ocean. Neither one of us were scared or nervous. Ten minutes in the air felt like two minutes. I could have stayed up there for hours. It was so peaceful and serene. It was worth every penny.

I got burnt but I knew I would. SPF 70 every hour doesn’t stop me from burning. Amazingly my burn isn’t even peeling. I am actually tanning a little……who knew.

The sun, the sand, and the salt water is exactly what my family and I needed. None of us wanted to leave, but we have to get back to reality sometime…….I guess.

It’s Tuesday….

March 9 was the anniversary of mine and Andy’s separation. I had a whole thing typed up but I deleted it. I decided to do this because I am ready to move on. Yes the day was hard for me but so has this past year.

I was committed to Marshal Pickens by my spouse. I was kicked out without a job and a place to go. I was bullied nonstop. I was blamed for everything that ever went wrong. I had things thrown in my face. I was told my mental illness made me “too much to deal with.” I was completely shut out with no explanation what-so-ever. I was expected to not talk about it and just get over it.

So I put on my big girl pants and went out and found 2 jobs. I put on my big girl pants and found a place to live. I didn’t think I could do it. I was scared. I had never lived on my own before. I was completely consumed by my emotions and just going through the motions.

In the beginning I was sad, angry, and lonely.  A year later as I reflect on everything that has happened I really just feel numb. I don’t know how or what to feel. The difference is I don’t feel lonely anymore. I am OK with being alone. I don’t need a partner to complete my life. I have myself and my children to fill that void.

Do I still sad and angry sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Remembering the absolute shit my husband put me though is what makes me angry. Being apart from someone who I was with for 15 years makes me sad. We went through a lot together. He was my voice of reason and my rock. That is over now and it makes me sad sometimes.

My other post about this was very long and full of doom. So I deleted it and sat on it. I have spent this (almost) month weeding through what was relevant. Writing my journals (yes I have more than one) everyday. This process helped me a lot. I didn’t want this to sound depressing. I wanted to say what happened without with the confidence of knowing i will never let this happen again. I am stronger that I ever though I could be. The people who I wanted to notice more than anything, my children, have noticed.

 

Bullying as an adult…….

Being bullied totally sucks. I was bullied all through school and it made my life miserable, but I never thought I would be bullied as an adult.

In the past 10 months I have been bullied and gas-lighted relentlessly. I was ordered to take a drug test. Not any drug test but a hair test. I passed of course except for the stuff I have prescriptions for. Like what was the person who ordered this thinking? I know he is doing all the things i had to be tested for. You would think being separated would stop this behavior but apparently I was completely wrong.

Everything I do is still wrong because he can never be wrong no matter what. He is on girlfriend number 2 and I am not seeing anyone. Mainly because I am not interested but also because I am still married and it is illegal to have a para-more. Apparently I have a drinking problem but his fridge is full of beer and the top of his fridge has 5- 10 bottles of liquor on top of it.

He promised to not drag this out but that is exactly what he is doing. He promised this wouldn’t be nasty but it is. All he is doing is hurting the kids by trying to “get me.” He told me he was going to take the kids away from me. What kind of parent/husband does that?!

He leaves the kids home alone for HOURS with no one there with them (which is illegal because of their age) and doesn’t want to pay child support because, “he has no legal obligation to me” (which is also illegal). I just don’t get get. I just don’t get how someone could bully their wife relentlessly and think that is OK. If someone were acting this toward his child, hopefully, he would be on this like white on rice.

Recently I have been accused of having a fake Facebook account so I can spy on him. First, I do not have a face Facebook account, second I really don’t care what he does, but since he is doing stupid shit around my children I want to know what the hell he is doing. Once again I do not have a fake Facebook account.

This is not how you co-parent, this is not communication, this is straight up bullying.

Reminiscence

It’s Xmas day and I am alone. The kids are with Andy and it’s just me.  While I sit here watching Doctor Who (anxiously awaiting the Xmas special) I have been thinking about this past year. Quite frankly, it sucked….big time suck! I thought 2017 was going to be a good year for myself, husband and marriage. But we were on two different planets. We wanted completely different things and in the end he won. He got what he wanted and nine months later he is still getting what he wants.

This time in 2015 I was struggling with an affair Andy had. I was a wreck and he didn’t seem to care at all. I was hopeful that we could work through it, but Andy didn’t want to and didn’t think he should tell me.

2016 started out pretty bad. I wanted to start over and move on but when your spouse doesn’t want to (and doesn’t tell you) then the fight is useless. I was fighting and he didn’t want to or think I should even know he didn’t care. I was miserable so I turned to wine. Remember I had bariatric surgery so after three glasses of wine or two vodka cranberries I was wasted. I was drinking every night. I wasn’t drunk every night but I was drinking. It was ridiculous and I hated drinking and I hated myself. But, my husband was enabling me and not doing anything to help me. Then I would get gas-lighted to the point of me screaming and being hateful and then the finger was pointed at me. I was the crazy one. He never did anything wrong. It was all me. Live with that kind of gas-lighting your whole relationship and you will think everything is your fault. December 26 Andy told me he wanted a divorce and then went out with his friends. No talking about it, no nothing.

2017 started with me hopelessly depressed. I didn’t (and still don’t) want a divorce. In February I was drunk one night and we were fighting. So instead of dealing with his problem Andy called the police and had me committed to Marshal Pickens. While I was in the hospital he told me (in front of the kids) when I got out I wasn’t allowed to come home. So I was in MIP and just been kicked out of my house. When I was released I went home (even though I had been kicked out) and started packing. I couldn’t be in a house with a man who didn’t give a shit about me.

The rest is history, right? I have been living (if you can call it that) on my own for nine months. My kids are what keep me going. Their faces remind me that no matter how I feel they need a mom. They need to see they have a mom that can pull herself by her bootstraps and keep moving. My daughter and son need to see what a strong woman looks like. They need to see that even though life is hard there is always a way to make it through. Even when you think you are alone, you really aren’t. You find out who loves you and who doesn’t.

I am still struggling with this divorce and still don’t want it. I am mourning the loss of my 15 year relationship. I am mourning the man I still love. I am mourning the loss of my best friend. I am mourning the loss of the person I trusted with my life. I am mourning the loss of the life I knew.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I have accepted that I deserve all the time it takes. Time is the only thing I have right now.