You know…..

There is something about life. How amazing and terrible it can be at the same.

Friday I had a particularly terrible day and all the support I didn’t think I had just surrounded me. It was amazing.

Morning…..

Is it good? If so tell me why. What made your morning good?

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Dearly Departed,

11/05/2021

10:32pm

Still breathing

The Beach

Last week I took a family vacation with my best friend, all our kids, and their friends. There was eight of us and it was amazing! We went to the pool and the beach everyday. We did night walks, boardwalk, looking for shells, a beach run in the rain, ice cream, and pizza one night. Everyone was happy and had a great time.

We cooked dinner every night (except the first night) and ate together as a family. The best part was watching the kids help cook. When they helped cook they tried food I never thought my kids would eat.

Ash and I went parasailing and that was incredible! We were 300 feet in the air. All you could hear was the ocean. Neither one of us were scared or nervous. Ten minutes in the air felt like two minutes. I could have stayed up there for hours. It was so peaceful and serene. It was worth every penny.

I got burnt but I knew I would. SPF 70 every hour doesn’t stop me from burning. Amazingly my burn isn’t even peeling. I am actually tanning a little……who knew.

The sun, the sand, and the salt water is exactly what my family and I needed. None of us wanted to leave, but we have to get back to reality sometime…….I guess.

Learning to cope…

Coping skills…..who has some?

I use to cope with things by eating and shopping, but now I can’t do those things anymore. So I turned to something I can do……smoking (gross I know). So now I am trying to learn some new ones. I am trying to learn to crochet, but for some reason I just can’t make it go. I can knit so I am knitting. I am also reading, writing, and drawing a lot more.

The only thing about these things is they are not helping me get up and get out which is a goal of mine. I have spent 9 months sinking in quicksand and now I am ready to pull myself out. I can’t stay like this. I am not use to going out and doing things by myself so when I think about doing something I just panic.

So…….ideas, comments, suggestions….

Mixed bag…

This is going to be a mixed bag of information.

First, suicidal ideations. This one hits home for me in MANY, MANY ways. I have a long history of this. The first time I felt like this I was 11. The first time my daughter felt like this she was 10. The first time my son felt like this he was 12. Do you see the pattern? I see it with eyes wide open. I am glad other people are opening their eyes to this and trying to “help”but if you have never been felt this way don’t say I am glad you are alive. Saying that doesn’t help a single damn person! Try SHOWING someone you care even when they push you away, even when they say leave me alone, even when they say they are fine. Helping people isn’t something that comes easy. It’s hard as fuck! But if you care enough for that person you will be there even when it’s hard for you. Just imagine how hard it is for the other person.

Second, my life thus far. When Andy and I separated in March I was obviously devastated. I spend days and nights crying uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I could not do this alone. I am not strong enough for this. I hadn’t had a job in two years and suddenly I HAD to have one. I didn’t think I was going to find one. I feel all these feeling were totally valid.

Now it’s September, and I am still totally devastated. But I am not crying as much. I am finding little things that make me happy. I am actually feeling good about myself, and I have TWO jobs that I love.

I am totally doing this! But I am still not alone. The support I have gotten from friends and family has been completely overwhelming. My life took a complete one-eighty and now I am thinking it has been for the best.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy that my 15 year relationship is over, it sucks for all of us. But I think we are all coping pretty well and I could not be more proud.

“I went from zero, to my own hero.”

Saturday night special?

It’s Saturday night and I am watching Doctor Who.

This is not about DW. This is about me.

Please stop asking me if I am ok.

Because I am not ok.

I am tired of lying.

I am tired of putting on a happy face.

I am not happy, I am not fine, I am not ok!

I hate this!

I hate my life!

I miss my husband and family.

So please stop asking me how I am and how everything is going. Everything is shitty and I am not ok.

I know that I did something to cause this and I am getting what I deserve.

Another snow day

Yes, it snowed a half of an inch so everything here is closed down. One of the things about the south you have to get use to. I am home from work today and to be honest I am a little glad. I am having trouble being around someone I work with. All the negativity is getting to me. I just can’t take it anymore. So, my husband and I are working on a solution. I will be happier and less a stressed and in return, so will he.

My daughter had my husband hang a mailbox on her bedroom door. She loves getting mail, but now I am obligated to write her a letter everyday. I absolutely love it! I hopes she saves them and looks back on them when she is older. I have all my old journals from age 7 through now and on the occasion I like to read them to see what I was anxious about back then.